Better

Things around here are getting better.....Ryan seems much happier....trying to talk lots and listening well to redirection...Hubby thinks he may have been ill and just really not feeling well.  I'm doing better.....happier....

Underneath it all

The last couple of days have been rough, and I'd like to thank my friends for their outpouring of support through this time. When I get stressed, I start to listen to music....it seems to help me....last night, after the boys had come to bed, I put on my iTunes and was just laying there listening to songs.  A song came on, Underneath it All by No Doubt.  And the chorus really really hit home for me.....at first, when I was listening to it, I just stopped...though it's meant to be sung to a lover, there were words in it that rung true for me... He is really lovey....underneath is all, he wants to love me underneath it all but how can he trust me, that if he does love me, I won't leave or have him taken away like he has been so many times in his little life....I'm really lucky, underneath is all,  to have him in my life, he's amazing.....and I kept playing the song as tears streamed down my face.....and then my brain flipped, and suddenly I was listening to the song as if Ryan was telling me......and I couldn't control the tears or the sobs....(now as I write, I'm tearing up)....Enough emotion for one day...After a few minutes that felt like hours of letting all my frustrations at what I see as my incompetence and sadness for Ryan and what he's been through before coming home, I walked over to the crib....picked up my sleeping baby and just rocked him....as I tried to sing the words to him....I put him back down and went to sleep.  This morning, I felt different....felt like we could do this....Ryan and I, we are going to make this work, I'm going to let him know and feel the love and the permanency of our family and how much we cherish and adore him.  So far, today has been a much better day....and it's only going to get better....

(I've taken out the lyric that I don't feel fit.....the rest, I think fits)
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely 

You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best

And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad 

So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better better

Sarah Blackwood doing a cover of Underneath it all by No Doubt

Hard

Normally when I write my blog, I try to keep everything sunshine, rainbows and unicorns....I'm struggling.....with this transition.....Ryan is struggling.....(as to be expected) and I know that in a month I will look back on this entry and laugh because everything will have settled down by then....I'm frustrated....and though I love this little man, I need a break from him, he's extremely needy and whiny.....and I'm not used to that...I can't listen to him cry anymore....if feels like that's all he does....it's frustrating because I see the potential in him, he's so smart, so funny, so loving......and when it's good, it's good...but the last couple of days have been rough.  I think he realizes this might be long term.....and he doesn't get his way like he used to at his former placement.....we have rules and expectations and he's fighting them....this too shall pass....but I'm filled with guilt for feeling this way....and I hate it.....he's just a baby who has been through so much in this little short life.....I need to find the strength to be more patient, more supportive, more  understanding......I need to dig deep in and just do it.....I owe it to him....he's just a baby......and he's going to be with us for a very long time (forever).....Just a little bump in the road....temporary.....it will get so much better.....I know that to have success and progress, I need to take two steps forward and expect one backwards.....it just feels like a down hill slide right now.....
I just went to look at him...he's a sleep.....and looks so beautiful that my heart skipped a beat (my pacemaker won't actually let that happen anymore, but you know what I mean)....I do love him, heart and soul......and this too will pass......

Phone Photo Dump

I have more Phone Photo Dumps at www.adrienandryan.blogspot.com  Sorry, I don't know to link apparently...(LOL)

Monkey fell off bed...waiting at ER to be seen (he's fine)

He looks so unimpressed....oh boy

Cuddles

STOP TAKING PICTURES OF ME

Trying to love being at home

Me and my eldest niece....love her

Meeting my cousin's boy....they are 4 months apart....we are in trouble

O' Canada

The boy is learning  lot  in JK....his imagination has exploded....his awareness has increased.....he's learning so much at school....I was worried about him, but he's a strong kid....he's matured.....today....on a 30 minutes drive, he must of sang this versus 168 times!!!

Fall Photos 2012

I married a wonderful man who is a talented photographer.....today I voluntold him that he would be taking pictures of our children....at the local jail....today.....like in 5 minutes....lol the files are HUGE so I only uploaded three of my favourite pictures

to see my "less than" professional pictures... look at www.adrienandryan.blogspot.com

Rough Day

Today was interesting.....it started off really great......ok, some background....Ryan is having difficulty following redirection, can be whiny and cries a lot.  I understand that this transition is difficult for him and for the rest of the family, including me.....I know that Ryan is trying to figure it out....he doesn't let me out of his sight, he follows me around or always wants to be in my arms.....(PLEASE NOTE: I'm not complaining....and I understand what this little man must be feeling and I KNOW this is hard for him). I'm sharing our rough day because I believe we had a break through...it was small, but it was there....at around 3, he started what can be described as a "hyper" behaviour, where he runs around the house, picking up things and throwing them everywhere.....throwing his body on the ground, hitting Adrien or hubby, squealing and not easy to redirect.  I could see hubby was ready to lose his patience...and this is a man who has the patience of a saint, he has to, to put up with me! lol....(rewind to yesterday, I spent about 30 minutes teaching Ryan some signs, including down, milk and all done) I picked him up and he started to cry, so I cradled him in my arms.....he continued to cry (I have witnessed in other environments with other people, that when he would cry, he was given what he wanted)....I began whispering in his ear that he was safe....and when he was done crying I would put him down.  Adrien didn't like seeing his brother cry and Adrien tried to comfort his brother.  I didn't think it was fair to Adrien to see his brother upset so I took Ryan upstairs to his room, where I continued to cradle and rock him while he cried and sobbed.  I needed to show him that no matter how bad or sad he was, I would always be there to love him, to take care of him.  After a VERY long while, he finally quieted.....I hugged and kissed him and let him go.  He immediately turned back to me, with his arms wide open and placed his head on my shoulder.....My heart soared for him....we held each other for a couple of minutes...when he let go of me, he had a huge smile on his face and signed down......so we headed downstairs.....both of us, a little bit different for what we had just shared and a little bit more in love with each other.  I know it's going to be a long road for us, until he feels totally secure and safe and bonded with us....but I think it started today....