Things are

......changing in our house.......and that's ok......while things are more difficult, we are happy and safe.....and the boys are thriving

Ryan

I need to share but because I'm friends with Ryan's birthmom on Facebook and on my other blog and there are things she doesn't need to know.
Ryan has been with us for two years......and while that is a HUGE cause for celebration, the even bigger celebration is seeing him NOW versus his first year with us.
It was hard......it was very hard....like, I hated parenting him hard......from not being able to walk up the stairs without him waking up to not being able to even take our eyes off  him long enough to pee without him either crying or destroying something, even the crying from the time he awoken until he went to bed.......and the drool, no speech, no balance, no regulation skills, always sick, when crying holding his breath until his lips turned blue, gagging on his food and vomiting because the majority of his intake was liquid or stew-like.......just being used to do whatever he wants......fast forward two years (this is why I love time......because it does get better) I have a boy who is a chatter box (with a little bit of drool), has a curious mind, loves taking things apart to put them back together, who loves music and toys (he knows how to play with toys now!), going to school and loving it, having friends, being able to sleep through ANYTHING......he's amazing........
and to clarify, it's all him!  We provided love, boundaries and brought him to all the therapies (SLP, OT, PT, eye specialist,counselling) but he did all the hard work, he allowed himself to trust and he allowed himself to participate in all the therapies to be the best person he can be.......I am so proud of him!  And love this little boy like crazy!

our first meeting

our first meeting

our first meeting

Two years later

Two years later

Two years later

Two years later

Two years later

A Weekend Away

A weekend away isn't what it used to be.......now I find creative ways to incorporate my kids into everything.......So, Civic Weekend, I had a college roommate reunion.........with our kids........We met 21 years ago!  TWENTY.ONE! So between the 5 of us, we have 6 kids.......some of us meeting each other's children for the first time!  It was wonderful and magical and tiring and filled with laughter........I couldn't ask for anything more! OH!!!!! And I peed in a real outhouse ALL weekend!

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's day.......this year, I will get to celebrate my 5th (technically my 6th, my I hadn't met Adrien until five days after my "first" mother's day)  Anyways, in North America, today is Birth Mother's Day........I have mixed emotions about it for many reasons, but mainly because mothers come in many forms.  Tomorrow, people celebrate Grandmothers, Mothers, Aunts, and close friends.  Why can't birth mothers be celebrated too.  I don't know if it's because it can be painful for a birth mom to celebrate tomorrow when they aren't raising a child they have birthed or if it's because society hasn't deemed birth mother's "worthy" of mother status.  What ever the reason, I want to share my opinion.  I am celebrating my children's first moms.......tomorrow.......on Mother's Day.  And though we won't be celebrating with them in person, they will be in my thoughts pretty much all day......just like every year since I became a mom......this year is a little more special because this year, I can put a face and personality to Adrien's first mom.....This year, Ryan's first mom will be celebrating with her new born son, but we will call her when we wake up so Ryan can wish her a happy day.....
It's amazing how much love a person can have......yesterday was the first time since February that Adrien has asked and talked about his first mom.....so we sent her a Facebook message and within 5 minutes we had another picture of her and a response.  He was beaming from ear to ear and kept asking if she said anything else (they basically had a brief chat over facebook)....it was a beautiful thing.........My heart is full.....

He's so damn cute

Reading to his little brother

CAN NOT get him off a bike.....he's is going to freak out when he wakes up on his 6th birthday to find a brand new red bike!

Always touching in their sleep

They LOVE anything that requires chop sticks to eat with

To all the women who are moms, first moms, step moms, long to be moms, will be moms, foster moms or anyone who has special children in their lives......Happy Mother's Day......may God bless you!

I remember

Growing up, I remember weekends spent with family.....aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins....There was always a kids table.......the men would sit together and the women would sit closest to the kitchen to serve the food......after dinner, the kids were the only ones to leave the table.  I remember the loud laughter, shouting, yelling, pounding the table for emphasis and talking coming from the table.  I remember stopping playing to watch the grown ups.  I was fascinated by them.  They had so much fun, teasing each other, joking, talking about the past, talking politics, gossiping......I was in awe.....it was one of my favourite things to do......just to watch them.  The energy that came from the kitchen livened the whole house......and there was always a glow from the light.......This bantering would continue for hours.....until all the little kids had fallen a sleep, the teenagers had gone out and us middle aged kids were plopped in front of the TV, exhausted from playing with our cousins.  It's one of  my favourite memories from my childhood and it happened almost every weekend.  Sometimes twice in one weekend!

My sister is up for a visit....which means I have been spending a lot of time with my siblings and their spouses plus my dad, while my boys play with their cousins.  Saturday evening, we were at my dads for dinner, there were 8 adults and 8 kids.  We were in the dining room/kitchen, talking about the stupid things we did to each other as kids, shocking my dad with some of stories, making fun of each other and just laughing over the shouts of protest of incorrect memories......At one point in the evening, I looked at the french doors and noticed Adrien just watching us, with the same expression I think I may have had as a kid while I watched the grown ups.....and I know he too will remember the grown ups in the kitchen.....making noise, having a good time and I hope, in his adulthood, he has the opportunity to do the same.  It is one of my wishes for him

Contact

After 4.5 years of a closed adoption, Adrien's adoption is now considered open because there is contact with his biological family.  WHAT??????  I know!  It's a long story that started in September with a conversation as we drove to see his brother's first family and has kinda taken off.......where a week ago, Adrien's birth mom send him a message of love and missing.  There will be no visits with her or her family in the near future, but possibly in the distance future, when he's older....and he asks to go and see her. (He has asked a couple of times to see her, I explain that right now she lives too far....so then he wants to go on an airplane)......I'm getting some slack from my family who think I have opened pandora's box and are worried about Adrien.....and while I forgive her actions (or lack there of) against my son, I will never forget...but something struck me, in talking to her and her mom.  Her mom shared that she was assessed and wasn't functioning at full capacity and in talking to her, I can see that.  I would put her at about 15......so my issue is, how do I hold her responsible for her lack of motherly instinct or lack of care of him when she didn't have the capacity to do more than she did...I don't think she was being malicious though I do believe her to be angry....but I think that's due to a lack of understanding.  It is what it is.....and I need to figure it out for me......so that I can guide and support my son.......so, that's what's new, in a nutshell.....

Work Christmas Party

I brought the boys to work with me on the 23rd of December.  I was a client/family/staff/family holiday party.  It was very well done.  My favourite part was the photo booth

December

This is what our life has been in pictures for the last little while!

A pictures of our visit with Santa

Christmas party

helping out

fell a sleep at the dinner table

Elfie, our Elf on the Shelf, came back

Tree decorating

Tree decorating

Tree decorating

Getting the stockings ready

Oh Elfie!

Eating his gingerbread house

'Round here

I hate sounding like a downer, I hate complaining about my life, I hate being so needy........but life is getting harder....I've started a new job and am trying to figure out how to balance two jobs, while experiencing one of the biggest learning curves of my life, while then doing BOTH jobs.....and neither one of them being done well.  Then imagine a having a child who is having nightmares or something all night and keeps everyone awake pretty much all night, then you have another one who wants to know his BM, he has questions and needs to have them answered (no, we are NOT contacting the birth family but I will be contacting the social worker and request that she try a bit harder to get us a picture of BM....and trying to deal with my own feelings about the whole thing.....needless to say, I have been under a lot of pressure (self induced) and stress about being everything I needed to and so much more.....I crashed two weekends ago.....and I crashed hard.  Hubby made a suggestion about something and I went cuckoo.....I was crying and then couldn't stop crying, then was choking from laughing because I was so amused that I couldn't stop crying....I am slowly crawling back into the sunlight, with a smile!  The boys are doing well.....Adrien's teacher wanted to talk to me and share her concerns about getting him tested as he won't attend during class and they can't get information out of him to see what he knows.....we are working on that......Ryan, oh my poor poor baby Ryan, he had a specialist appointment on Tuesday and she suggested that he wasn't waking up due to nightmares but more likely due to wax build up and the pressure created from it.  He needs to get his ears suctioned and will be seen by an ENT to see if he requires tubes in his ears......I have a night away coming up this weekend.  In the last 4 and a half years of being a parent, this will be the second night I have spent away from Adrien and the first from Ryan.....I get to spend some quality time with the most wonderful girlfriend.....

Adrien writing a story Ryan about Puppies

Halloween 2013, Minions

This is what co sleeping looks like in our house

Mommy date discussion

My attempt at Ryan's 3rd Bday Cake

My Super Hero

So much love, so much happiness, so much fun
So Blessed <3 td="">

Pregnant

My son's birth mom is pregnant again......and I'm struggling with it for so many different reasons.....reasons I can't put into words yet....my heart breaks for her because I know she's trying to fill a void in her life.....but I'm also angry with her because I know the situation and I know she's not in a position to parent right now.......I hope everything turns out for this little baby coming into the world and that the right decisions are made for him/her......

Adrien's in SK

We had a busy summer and are settling nicely into September.  My big boy is in SK.....I can't believe he's almost 5 1/2!  Seems like yesterday he was a baby.  I've noticed big changes in Adrien this school year.  he seems happier, though some of his school skills have regressed, like his printing and his mono-coloured art work, but he is a free thinker and those will come!

Brother needed to get in the action

Oh my, how he's grown!

We attended his open house this week and he is such a ham.  While I was talking to the teacher, he was greeting and directing everyone coming into the classroom.....he has such a BIG charismatic personality......he was walking through the school talking to strangers and talking to them about the art on the walls.....he continuously blows me away.  The other thing I've noticed is his relationship with his dad.  It is starting to bloom.....and though a little envious that he doesn't need just me as much, I'm so happy to see their relationship grow.

 

Lately

Things seem to go in cycles around here.....either things are really good or really bad......lately it's been very difficult.

Ryan seems to be struggling.......he seems to be in panic mode....fight or flight for the last couple of months.  It has gotten so difficult, that hubby has called me to come home from work on several occasions.  We've had a case conference for him, with lots of great ideas and support coming out of it.
The most profound things for me was the realization that this little boy is in an unconscious heighten state of panic.  We have reached the time period that he historically has been removed from his current home.  Every thing he does, everything he says........its proof that he's scared.

Confession: until recently, hubby and I haven't probably been the best parents to him....losing our patience, getting angry and yelling way more then we ever have......we are frustrated.  It wasn't until Adrien said to me that he wanted me to have a conversation with dad about all the yelling did I realize how much yelling we were doing.  And it wasn't until Adrien begged me not to send him or Ryan away, did I realize how much he listens to conversations he shouldn't be.  After reassuring him that no one is leaving this family EVER, that I was able to share with him that the yelling is from frustration and that will try very hard to change it.  He then shared that he understood frustration too, when Ryan hits him, takes his things or breaks his things.  The last bit has been better.....and we are continuously talking to each other, the kids and supports about how to make things better.  Looking for any insights!

JK to SK

My baby boy has completed his first year of the education system.  He has learned so much, both good and bad but more importantly he has grown and matured even more.  I knew he was growing but had no idea until I compared......what do you think?

He went from being a scared little boy to the king of the castle
Noticed how much he's grown!

Here is comes

So I'm loving my new phone....can't remember life without it! (LOL).  I've had so much fun playing with different apps and taking tons of pictures that I thought I would do a HUGE picture post!  Enjoy!