I went somewhere I haven't been in a long time. To a web site that was my world while trying to get pregnant. The women on the site were my life line......Anyways, I found my old blog. And started reading it (so there may be more entries that end up here, because sometimes I forget where I come from and to appreciate where I am, I shouldn't forget) and found this one. In light of our newly approved home study and being put back on the list, these were my thoughts on adoption from December 2007. Though reading the time line again, I think I am mistaken with how long our adoption journey really took. (note to self: figure that out) It amazes me how much I've changed and how much I've healed."The last six years have been hell, we have been trying to get pregnant and nothing has worked. We fought, blamed each other and cried a lot. It hasn't been fun and I hated it with a passion. Things that should be fun and intimate no longer are, things that should be simple and effortless no longer are, things changed and will never be the same, I'm not the same. I will never look at a mother without envy, I will never look into my nieces and nephews eyes and not wonder what our kids would have, could have, should have looked like. I will never be able to give blood from the crooks of my arms anymore because the years of daily blood work has scarred them, I never want to see another needle or home pregnancy test again because I know that it will never be postive for me. I have watched as friends and family have tried to get pregnant, gotten pregnant and had babies, I have walked out of rooms because people where talking "baby" again, a language I so desperately want to learn but will never understand. Some days it seems more important about "how" I will become a mother, but for the most part, it isn't an issue and we will adopt because I know we will be parents.
Adoption is defined as:
-the act of accepting with approval; favorable reception; "its adoption by society";
-"the proposal found wide acceptance"
-a legal proceeding that creates a parent-child relation between persons not related by blood; the adopted child is entitled to all privileges belonging to a natural child of the adoptive parents (including the right to inherit)
-borrowing: the appropriation (of ideas or words etc) from another source; "the borrowing of ancient motifs was very apparent" wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
To me, adoption is a venue in which I get to become a parent. It's funny how long the journey I took brought me to the same conclusion I knew as a 12 year old. I ALWAYS knew I was going to adopt and I always knew why I was going to adopt, it's because my body has some how failed me, it is unable to do the one thing I want to do the most in life, I am adopting because I am infertile. WOW, I'm infertile.....that's a hard one to swallow, but it's true.....thousands and thousands of dollars have proven it. My views are not negative or degrading about adoption, my views stem from a pain so hurtful that the wounds may never heal. I look forward to becoming a parent, and 99% of the time, I know I don't have to give birth to a child for me to be a mother, but tonight is that rare 1% of the time, when I've had a great weekend with my nieces and then I had to go home....back to my reality, of an empty house, a husband that is dealing with his own feelings and loneliness....Guess I'm having a bad day.......tomorrow will be better, I just can't stand the waiting any more.......As I told our Social Worker, this is something that we having been waiting for with her for almost 10 months but this is something WE have been waiting for for 6 years. "