"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break." -Chinese Proverb


Not so Wordless Wednesday

I had a friend come and visit.......we got chatting about her BIL and SIL who adopted a 2 year old and are waiting for the baby sibling to join. My friend shared some concerns with me about the new family, mainly with how vocal her BIL is being with his lack of attachment and affection towards their 2 year. The conversation very quickly put me on my own roller coaster ride of memories and feeling.

I remember the first day we met Adrien, I thought he was cute and sweet but felt NO connection to him (I know it's normal but it didn't feel good). The next day we visited again, again I felt like I held back and watched MY child call someone else mom....be comforted by her, love her how he was suppose to love me. The next day was Sunday and we did not visit. I had a VERY emotional day....I didn't think I wanted to be him mom, I wanted to call the S.W and call the whole thing off...I didn't want to do it anymore. That night I cried and screamed, with an anguish that I can't explain. I didn't feel connected to him.... and I remember D (foster mom) asking me if it was hard to leave him there. I lied to her, I said yes.....but in reality I couldn't get away fast enough...he didn't love, how could he, he didn't even know me. That Sunday night, I remember sitting on the stairs crying as Rob reassured me that it would all be ok.... That night we made some pretty important decisions around raising Adrien and helping him transition. We decided that I would be the primary caregiver, that we would nurture and encourage his attachment with me before getting him to attach to Rob. We felt it was important because we would be his third home and needed him to feel secure. Though I LOVED this idea, it did impact Rob hard. For months, Adrien only wanted me and would cry for me if I wasn't there...if was hard on Rob because he felt rejected, you could see it in his face. Another hard thing for me was looking at Adrien......for MONTHS, when I looked at him all I could see was ADOPTION....I would ask Rob, my sister, my SIL, my mom, my dad....what did they see when they looked at him....they always responded they saw him. So I thought something was wrong with me.... I found myself explaining to every body in the beginning that he was adopted, as if I needed to justify something. That's gone now....in fact, it's been gone for a while now and all I see is love. When I shared that part with my friend, she jumped out of her seat and exclaimed "YES, that's what my brother in law says, that he sees no part of him in her and all he sees is adoption" I laughed at her statement, because though Adrien doesn't look like me, I see myself in him ALL THE TIME....his actions, his tones, his expressions, his snort of a laugh.....it's me and Rob......he is soaking us up....but it really truly does take time.....the year that the "experts" are talking about seems to be accurate.....and I wonder how it will change for baby number 2....I wonder if age has something to do with it....I just have questions......Anyways, I know my friend is concerned about her family members but I think it'll just take time..... and she was going to put a care package together and she was looking for ideas.... I suggested things that would encourage them to be together as a family.... all suggestions welcomed!

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